I didn't sign up for Assclown Camp!

Urban Dictionary defines an Assclown as such:
One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.
You, my good sir, are an assclown.

So I apparently signed up for and attended Assclown Camp. Not sure when I did that, not sure how I did that, why I did that, when I did that....you get the idea. But I can tell you what I've learned from attending this camp and some things that I'm still not sure why I suffer from the affects of attending Assclown Camp.

So I read to self diagnose; I google all kinds of crazy shit to figure out what the hell ??

So I come across a lot of articles that elude to PTSD; Eh, I think I don't have PTSD isn't that reserved for the military personnel returning home and can't quite deal with life?? Nah, I've been writing that idea off, until recently.

What gets my blender of a mind in motion is what in the sam hell am I always feeling worried about?? Think Anxiety. Next blender blade whirls in what in the sam hell am I always scared about? Think Fear. Next whirl of the blender please...ah my old friend entrapment, hello my friend. Think Disempowerment.

I read where these are all symptoms of PTSD; it seems that PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present and guess which factors they are...oh yes my dear friends anxiety, fear, disempowerment, entrapment, confusion, betrayal, loss of control....good gawd I could go on forever.

I think about this in transition with relationships in my life and how I have so many (thankfully!) but I never seem to get close to any of them. I think it has to do with a lot of different trash that will keep floating to the surface. Not as often as it did at first, still too much now. I know time, no contact and taking my life back will help.

In the meantime I think that I'm in survival mode. The ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable.

God blessed Assclown Camp. I wouldn't send my worst enemy there.