Facing facts, facing truths

"Forcing ourselves - or anyone else - to face the truth, usually doesn't help. We won't face the facts until we are ready. Neither will anyone else. We may admit to the truth for a moment, but we won't let ourselves know what we know until we feel safe, secure and prepared to deal and cope with it".
Excerpt – The Language of Letting Go (author) Melody Beattie

For the last year or so I've read anything and everything I can on abuse recovery from a previous relationship. Not the physical abuse kind, the emotional abuse kind. The mind fucking kind. The "mind has been raped" kind. The ties that bind me like a chained animal. Can't quite break free till I get it all figured out.

Like anything else, abuse recovery is a process. A process you can't put a timetable to, or even know where you are in the different stages, or even "when" you should be. It is just what it is - a process.

Awareness - where you realize you've been abused and betrayed. Here I have found knowledge would be my only strong suit, my only friend. This is the point you realize the inevitable failure of every damn thing you've done - does not change a person. Here's where you realize you are just going to quit doing it.

Being Realistic - here's where you mourn the loss of memories of small laughs and shared experiences. My slow-healing emotional scars cause me to doubt and question the truth of the reality. This is basically where I found God, where I became reconnected with God I should say. Your mindset is that of the only real comfort you have knowing that a higher power is looking over you - because you simply don't know how you are going to get to the next day, hell the next minute.

Ground Rules - why can't we stay friends? That sentence infuriated me beyond all reasonable infuriations!! Why can't we stay friends? Because right now I can't stand the air your breathe. Pretty much answers my question. Oh, some rage starting to show in this stage. That's not pretty either. Not at all pretty. This is, and remains an important step towards my own recovery. Here's where I decided I was not going to participate in my own abuse.

Time is now my best friend. Time and distance have a wonderful way of bringing clarity to the situation. It’s the fastest way to heal.

I realize now the relationship was doomed to failure, but I didn't realize that until later.

Now I'm faced with another beast. Myself. My self esteem has been crushed, I was left feeling humiliated and now I'm walking down a path I never expected. I pay more attenton to my gut instincts and put any relationships on hold while I watch for more signs, determine the reality of the situation, and I'll protect myself more. Being aware of my vulnerabilities will make me a whole lot smarter next time I run into one of "them".

The best gift I can give myself will be my own self sufficiency. Taking charge of my life will bring the reward of Peace of Mind.