"breakdown go ahead and give it to me"....Tom Petty

What’s got me baffled is how I’m reacting to what I’ve learned. I’ve always been a problem solver. I bloomed where I was planted, made lemonade out of lemons…I really believe in that. I am an optimist, I love to laugh, have good friends and I’ve been happy. I’ve loved my alone time and the camaraderie of friends. Even when things have been bleak and there have been some very bleak times, I’ve worked my way through it.

But now, I’m rolled into a tight little ball. I am not taking care of the business of everyday life. I feel like I am barely functioning. The knowledge of this disorder is more painful than the events, or more accurately, it’s like being dealt another blow. All the things that I believed I’d put behind me are rearing their heads….like my own personal horror show. For the first time in my adult life, I don’t know where to start. Everything has been turned upside down. I am terrified and I feel like I’m drowning.

I've so often felt my adrenaline is exhausted nowadays. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit I don't have the energy nor the motivation to do the list I used to do. I'm no superwoman, but when I look back, my former husband had himself a good slave. I moved so quickly, it was like a game to see how fast I could complete tasks. All of this took place while Mr. Fantastic was doing nothing except criticizing, blaming, devaluing. It's amazing how we twist ourselves into different shapes to please them only to realize far too late that we can't please them.

"Breakdowns" often occur for a reason - things weren't working as well as we believed. So we have to look again, see what still works, and replace those things that are no longer useful. We do it externally, and we do it internally, too.

I think it's what we have to go through when we have to evaluate our entire life through the perspective of a greater truth, when reality pushes everything else aside and imposes its own perspective, is a kind of psychological death. A whole world view has died, and a new one is forming. We have to come to grips with the fact that whole realities are different than we believed.

I am sure I will get there, but it will take time. Sometimes you just have to take time off from the perfectionism, to realize it was never serving me..... in any sort of valuable way.

I think in the end, it will all be okay.

"Welcome to the place you never wanted to be."