A wolf in sheep's clothing

A narcissist is a wolf in sheep's clothing. A few lessons on a narcissist.

His motivation is not love nor is it happiness. It is power and control! It is admiration and attention! It is praise and adulation.

The truth is he is emotionally shallow and doesn't operate from true emotional connection. He doesn't feel the pain of his actions because he simply doesn't run that deep. He doesn't have the ability to feel true love, happiness or emotion, positive or negative. He may never really feel the pain of his actions towards others but he also will never feel love or true caring. He is a shallow drying puddle of water feeding from our oceans of emotional depth. And it can feel as if we are being siphoned empty.

We must look past the sheep and see the wolf that is blowing our house down.

He can appear to be the nicest person in the world and do things for you that would seem to say "I really care about you" but then you begin to feel that your energy is being drained, you are feeling confused, you are doubting yourself and feeling very frustrated. More time is spent in this confusion trying to sort things out in your mind until you realize just how much energy you are giving this person. On the outside the narcissist can look like an angel but truly there is a demon within. He is the kind of demon that steals your light and leaves you in the dark wondering what just happened.

A few "special" ones (aka 1st wife) will stay hooked in forever allowing themselves to be a constant source of light for the narcissist to feed off of. The phrase "I would die for you" is literal. Because one who stays hooked into a narcissist does begin to die. The desire for the illusion of love to be real is so strong that one will stay forever hooked into that illusion until she completely loses herself.

There should be a group known as the "the few, the proud, the narcissist free"....

I was a casualty of his narcissism. I had to really accept and understand this in order to cut the ties and move on.

And, my life depended on it.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I drink champagne and watch old movies.

Sometimes I get my heart broken. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I slam a door, down a drink, break a heel, hate myself, hate my life.

Sometimes I am brought to my knees by the glory of it all.

Sometimes I can write. Sometimes I can't.

Sometimes I watch MTV and pretend I'm 18 again. And then I laugh and thank God I'm not.

Sometimes I cry on the bathroom floor with the weight of the world bearing down. Sometimes I laugh until I cry.

Sometimes I tell people exactly what I think. Sometimes I can't find the words to tell them how they inspire, align, affect, engage, or disappoint me.

Sometimes I wish I had blue eyes.

Sometimes I worry where I'll go when I die.

Sometimes I feel lit from within by something so incredible, so awe inspiring that I want to put the light in a box and hide it under my bed. Sometimes I share the light.

Sometimes the wind blows and shakes the trees and they bend. Sometimes they break.

Sometimes I break. Sometimes I heal.

Sometimes it isn't enough. And sometimes it's all too much.

Sometimes....

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda.

I've been ignoring my blog; that is ignoring it by not having posted much. But my mind has become that same blender I liken my life to and so in an effort to clear the clutter, here goes a few randoms.

I could write about the cold: but it's winter people, and it's supposed to be cold. (A local news channel used the word "cold" 16 times in a 30 minute broadcast. Nooo, they don't drive public hysteria. That's crazy talk!)

I could write about health care reform. But I don't have that kind of energy.

I could write about "friends" that I have cut out of my life because they were never really friends to begin with. But why? They don't care, and they don't see anything wrong with the way they are.

I could write about my happiness, my at peace at all times feeling: but I don't have the right words just yet.

The Price of Pretend

It is hard to leave but much harder to stay.

The price of pretend.

You pretend that your needs, feelings and desires were not important.
You hid your disappointments and hurt feelings and feigned happiness for his benefit.
You pretend to be the person that he first idealized by trying harder the more he devalued you.
You anticipate and met all of his needs and acted as if it did not matter that he did not appreciate this.
You pretend that he was interesting and funny when he wasn’t.
You invent excuses for his strange behavior, that you came to believe were true.
You put on a show for family and friends to cover up your sorrow and suffering.
You pretend it didn’t matter that you lost contact with friends and family.
You believe you interests, passions and hobbies were only secondary.
You told yourself that you were an individual even as you were slowly fading away.
You pretend that he loved you even though deep down you know that he didn’t.
You held on to the belief that he would change even though you knew he never would.

The price of pretending is the loss of you and what is real.

This calls for a cocktail

So has this ever happened to you: There you are just living your life. Waking up. Drinking that coffee (or bourbon), heading off to work, paying the bills, when suddenly you realize...Oh shit.

This isn't what I want. I like to call this my quarter life crisis. What I'm currently slugging through. What this exhaustion is signaling. What my dreams are telling me. What that little voice in the back of my head is SCREAMING. This isn't what I want.

So I'm a little pissed off. At no one in particular. (except...uh...me).

And I've started taking steps in what is MY right direction. I'm saying to hell with what others think. To hell with their expectations, disappointments, and dreams for me. I can't live for anyone else. And that's what I did for a long time. My fault. I accept 100% responsibility. And that's why it's up to me to take the reins on this proverbial horse and change direction.

Are you confused yet? Good! Me too! I live my life in a blender where everything just swirls around me, and I'm always narrowly missing the blade. Needless to say I'm on a mission. A few missions. And I work best under pressure. Being the underdog suits me. Any given Sunday and whatnot.

So here's to a cold Monday. Here's to being able to laugh every day no matter what.

Here's to and Cheers to...new beginnings!!

My Favorite Quote

"I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. If it's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cause I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well 'cause I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way through a pretty damn good life if you ask me."-The Guardian

Random thoughts on some "Nevers"...

-Never send an email when you are angry - Write it - just don't send it
-Never say "I hate you" to someone you truly love, even if you're angry
-Never say never
-Never chop up fruits and vegetables in the kitchen while you are naked
-Never say you can't do something without trying first
-Never trust a man that wears a pinky ring
-Never call someone a bitch when you're not absolutely positive you've hung up the phone yet
-Never give up hope for the future
-Never date a guy who shows up to your house in an El Camino. If he can't make a commitment between a car or a truck what hope do you really have?
-Never change your core self after getting married - it will cause issues in the relationship
-Never start smoking, then you'll never have to try to quit
-Never use your credit card for a bar tab... for 4 years
-Never forget that your parents are human beings, not super-human
-Never forget that whatever customer service problem you have is probably not the fault of the person you are dealing with. Being really really nice often gets you further than losing it with said customer service rep
-Never marry a man unless you want your son to be just like him (A-freakin-men)
-Never play the one up game with anyone, their worst and your worse are still THE worst thing to have happened. your best and their best are still only yours to own. (ugh, I can't stand one uppers. I know a few. If you got up at 6, they got up at 7. If you are sick, they are sicker and so on. It's just not a contest people and no one is impressed)
-Never regret. Everything you did. Every mistake you made. It all went into making you who you are today. Good or bad. We all choose. Own it. Use it. Do better next time.
-Never stop laughing with/kissing/learning from and about your partner/spouse/significant other. They should always come first.
-Never blame anyone else for how you act/react. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves & our attitudes. No matter what anyone does or says we control what we do and say.

Garbage Day

Have you ever had a day, a moment where all of your emotions meet at an intersection? They look around. Sadness tips his hat to Joy. Fear wonders why Gratitude is looking at him with that big smile on her face. Anger crosses her arms, and glares at Regret. And way over there, in the East, is Love; taking it all in.

That's my today. All of my emotions bubbled to the surface and met. They are battling one another for supreme victory. And here I am, their vessel. And I'm letting them talk it out. Oh Stubbornness is taking his good old time. And Hope makes a good case. But I'm being Patient, and Quiet. I know they'll work this out.

I call this Garbage Day. When all the emotional refuse comes to the surface, and we skim the yucky stuff out. And we bag up what we're done with and put it on the curb. We clean up, and clear out. So it's Garbage Day, and I'm cleaning house.

Easier said than done, on resolutions

I'm not a person that typically makes a resolution; I used to and found that eh, I never keep them. Maybe I also found out that when I want to do something, no matter the time of year, I will do it. Simple enough.

With that said, it got me thinking about resolutions and why people feel the need to make them? Why are they so grandiose? What are some simple resolutions that don't require anything but the sheer desire to accomplish something - simple?

Why not start with thinking about the life you really want to create for yourself? Lightbulb! Most people, including myself, don't take the time to ask ourselves this important question. Humans tend to focus on what we currently have on our plate rather than what we would like to have on our plate. It's easier I suppose. Easier to focus on what you have lost, what pain you've endured, even trauma. But by focusing on what has come to pass, you end up spending your energy in the past.

Easier said than done to really focus on what kind of life do you really want to create?

So I think about this and I ponder it and I think on it some more. The thinker.

What I envision is powerful; For me it would be feeling alive, vibrant, peaceful, inspired, motivated and excited about my life; I envision living life to the fullest, being creative, energetic and following through with all my inspired ideas. That might mean travelling to places I keep saying I want to go there! to; a greater state of health and wellness, inside and out; being with a mate who is truly open hearted and loving and whom I am able to have a fully functional, honest and fulfilling relationship with. So many more!!

I hope all the resolutions that many of my fellow friends have made truly happen for them. I know this will give them no greater joy. I hope for them that their future is positive as a result and they get to live a life they love. I say to them, do whatever it is you want to do - for yourself.

And I hope that for me, too.