Instead...

Not too long ago, women depended on their mates for survival, and this dictated certain relationship dynamics (which happened to support the socioeconomic and religious status quo). But the world has changed, and so have our needs within relationships. Many women are looking for someone who gets us. Whose lifestyle, personality, values, goals, intellect, humor and physical stamina are compatible and complementary to our own. Alone, we’ve learned, evolved, cultivated self-awareness, raised children, realized dreams, traveled, built careers. Often, an open, loving, solid and noncompetitive man fits that bill.

I need a man strong enough to handle me, to love me.

Many men grew up with mixed messages of the in-your-face feminism of the late 60’s and 70’s: Traditional values said a man must provide, while modern society suggested that any sign of masculine energy – inherent male qualities like strength, aggressiveness, assertiveness – was bad. The result? Some men don’t know how to be men, suppressing their instincts and becoming either controlling and dominant, or submissive and repressed. Instead of taking the time to get to know who I really am and without the expectation that every coupling has to conform to specific societal ideas of what is “good for us”, because often it’s not.

Take away all of that and the pressure disappears. Instead? Fun. Trust. Hot sex. Laughter. Adventure. Energy. Mental, emotional and physical stimulation. And with the right one, something deeper and more meaningful. Best of all is the mutual acceptance, ease and respect that come with enjoying people for who they are being open to true human connection in whatever form it happens to take.

I Don't Know Why

I don't know why we're here. I don't know why we yawn.
Why we fall in love. Why we cry when we're happy, and sad.
I don't know why things fall apart. I don't know why we
can't just say what's really on our mind. I don't know
why we live in a society that values money and status
above goodness and kindness. I don't know who I'll be
when I grow up. I don't know if I'll ever get married,
again. I don't know if that Supermodel is really happy
or if she goes into a bathroom in Fiji and cries on the
tiles about her pitiful life. I don't know anything
and most days I file into the world and do my earthly
duties and well, that can't be all there is.

But if it IS all there is, I guess I better make the
most of it.

Life Path #5....

The Life Path 5 suggests that you entered this plane with a highly progressive mindset, with the attitude and skills to make the world a better place. The key word for your Life Path is freedom. In the pursuit of freedom, you are naturally versatile, adventurous, and advanced in your thinking. You are one of those people who is always striving to find answers to the many questions that life poses. The byword for the positive Life Path 5 is constant change and improvement. You want to be totally unrestrained, as this is the number most often associated with the productive use of freedom.

You may be one of the most compassionate of people as the 5 is surely the most freedom-loving and compassionate Life Path. Your love of freedom extends to humanity at large, and concern for your fellow man, his freedom and his welfare, may be foremost in your mind. A great Life Path 5 American President, Abraham Lincoln, issued the Emancipation Proclamation, and ended slavery in America. As the ultimate progressive thinker type, your potential in government, the law, and other positions of authority is unlimited.

You are a good communicator, and you know how to motivate people around you. This may be your strongest and most valuable trait. Because of this skill, and your amazing wit, you are a truly natural born salesman. This ability to sell and motivate extends to any sort of physical product all the way through to whatever ideas or concepts you may embrace.

You abhor routine and boring work, and you are not very good at staying with everyday tasks that must be finished on time. On the average, the number 5 personality is rather happy-go-lucky; living for today, and not worrying too much about tomorrow. It is also important for you to find a job that provides thought-provoking tasks rather than routine and redundant responsibilities. You do best dealing with people, but the important thing is that you have the flexibility to express yourself at all times. You have an innate ability to think through complex matters and analyze them quickly, but then be off to something new.

A love of adventure may dominate your life. This may take the form of mental or physical manifestation, but in either case, you thrill to the chance for exploration and blazing new trails. Surely you belong to a group considered the most worldly and traveled. Clearly you are not one to pass up a good venture. You have quite a lot of the risk-taker in your makeup. If you aren't putting your money at stake, you are surely open to a wide variety of risks in your everyday life. Taking the conservative approach is just not in your nature.

In romance, you hate to be tied down and restricted. This doesn't necessarily mean that you are unfaithful or promiscuous, but it does mean that a good partner for you needs to understand your nature. A relationship based on jealousy and having tight reigns is not going to work at all for you. A partner who understands your need to be free and trusted will find you trustworthy, even if you aren't constantly available and totally dutiful. It is important for you to mix with people of a like mind, and to try to avoid those that are too serious and demanding.

If you are living on the negative side of the Life Path 5, you are apt to be multitalented, but suffering from some lack of direction, and there is confusion surrounding your ambition. Restless, discontent, and impulsive, you may bounce from one job to the next without accomplishing much at all. A negative Life Path 5 can become very irresponsible in tasks and decisions concerning the home and business life. The total pursuit of sensation and adventure can result in your becoming self-indulgent and totally unaware of the feelings of those around you.

Consider The Source

I have a good heart and a good life.
I feel a joy that I can't even explain
when I think about the life I have actively
participated in creating.

For the people who know nothing about my
life and base their opinions on hearsay and
flimsy details, come to me. Talk to me. And,
consider the source of your information.
Everything comes through someone's filter.

I am a strong, intelligent, resilient, loving,
optimistic, joyous person with more to give
then you'll ever know. Do not underestimate me.

My life is mine. And it's better than I
ever imagined. I have forged friendships
that reach out like a lighthouse in the
darkest night.

So get off my ass. Fix your own life before
you try to tell me what you
think is wrong with mine.

Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Autobiography

An autobiography about me in 5 short chapters:

I.
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost ... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes me forever to find a way out.

II.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

III.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in ... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

IV.
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

V.
I walk down another street.

The "About Me" section

Copied from the About Me section of Facebook:

Favorite Quotations:

Well done is better than well said - Benjamin Franklin

About Me:

I like to keep people guessing; I can be quite contradictory at times but never overstepping my boundaries/morals. I have sick intuition; I should have been a shrink. Preconceived notions are just that. I'm way too analytical.

I love wine (think fish bowl size glasses), hair, make up, enlightening books for the soul, God, warm weather, stilettos, CONTACT sports, and swanky lounges - not in that particular order...I laugh at the theory of evolution, piqued by fashion and in love with love. Will never settle...not this chick.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am never what people initially think.

Do No Harm

The haunting past:
I used to buy Steven King books and assorted novels about science fiction until noticing that my ex-husband was an honest-to-God alien. Now I buy psychology books to figure out where I came from ‘cuz surely I don’t belong on planet Earth where infidelity, betrayal, abuse, neglect, hatred, vengeance, malice, disregard, poverty, oppression, patriarchy and political fakes are considered to be ‘normal’; and honesty, generosity, fidelity, loyalty, compassion, forgiveness, kindness, religious principles, hope, faith, and integrity are considered to be abnormal flaws requiring modification because otherwise, you won’t fit into society. Well, there are days when if what it takes to fit in to our society is to whittle away at character traits it takes a lifetime to create, then let this misfit remain abnormal. But please don’t call me a narcissist because it reminds me how much work I need to do to educate my accusers about the difference between self-respect and a narcissistic pathology.

Which is why we feel like such dupes when we’re told the reason we were targeted by a narcissist is because we display the attributes our culture taught us were valuable and worthy of effort. When a person has always taken pride in being generous for example, the first reaction I had at least, was to stop being generous.

Like the typical betrayed victim, I flipped a 180 and began attacking myself for being too kind, too generous, too accepting, too forgiving which is only true if you are committed to someone who is mean, stingy, critical, unforgiving, un-accepting and did I mention self-centered? At the time, I could not see that I was rejecting my true self by denigrating every human value formerly held near and dear to my heart. My main concern was protecting myself from further harm because instinctually, I knew this was a fight for my soul’s survival. If that meant reading books that blamed me for being ‘nice’, then that’s what I did. For awhile. Until I felt safe enough in my own skin to start reclaiming character traits formed over a lifetime of moral choices. Moral meaning ‘alleviating the pain of others’ through conscious awareness of my impact and trying, oh so very hard: to do no harm.

I decided eventually that reclaiming Nice was valuable because it IS a part of who I am. A character trait modeled after very nice Aunts who woulda given anybody the shirts off their backs. Those very good-hearted relatives served as role models to lead me out of self-rejection because I wanted to be like them and not like the commercialized nasty people revered on reality TV. Those screaming, yelling, tough-mouthed bullies don’t have friends, I’m sure. They have adversaries and people they hold at arm’s lengths because if they don’t, they’ll stab each other in the back to get a higher rating from frightened people who think bullies are awesome.

I like people who are so NICE they cry when you cry and laugh when you laugh and care about the fact that your cake failed the night before. So what do nice people do when you tell them your sob story? They make you a cake and bring it over the next night and it’s kinda sloppy and it’s sunken in the middle because they know the last thing a woman needs after a failure is a perfect cake on her doorstep.

Fast forward to today's thinking:

Reclaim yourself. Be proud of the attributes you worked hard to develop. Refine your characteristics that mark the best of human nature and continually strive to see through the narcissistic accusation that anything that is “worthy and of good report” is a character flaw or a mistake. Do not reject all that is good and beautiful about yourself simply because someone tried to destroy that which they could not create for themselves.

It is not goodness that ruins relationships. It’s narcissism.

The problem with Toasters...

I have finally arrived at a point where I accept that, to my ex, to my mind raping narcissistic ex, I was just a toaster. A toaster, meaning a toaster on the kitchen counter.

Where I used to think that he is still thinking of me, I have come to a place where I realize he is not. Who still thinks of their old, broken toaster that they put out for the garbage man long, long ago? You don't. You just toss it out, replace it, and never think of the old one again as long as you have a current toaster "doing the job".

I no longer hurt about this or have trouble accepting this. It is not about me. It is about his disorder. It is not personal. Again, do you really think about nurturing your toaster each day, asking your toaster how it is feeling, and tending to its emotional needs?

I realize I was a toaster long before I actually spoke up and didn't want to be a toaster anymore. As soon as he had me secured, as soon as he had me "plugged in" along with all of the other "useful" electronics, appliances, and tools in his life, he quit tending to me on an emotional level. He never really "maintenanced" me on an emotional level, anyway. He only faked those feelings until I was securely "in his kitchen".

However, in reflection, I do remember him having a problem with me waking up and "smelling the coffee". He had a problem when I finally realized I did not want to be anyone's toaster, that I wanted a partnership of equals between warm-blooded human beings.

Instead of just letting the toaster sit outside and wait for the garbage man, he had to start devaluing the toaster. He had to tell me how inferior I was to the other toasters out there. He then became emotional with the toaster and started telling it how defective it was.

See, that is the problem with toasters. Instead of just putting the "defective" appliance outside and going on, he has to take a knife to the toaster first and damage it. He has to get a hammer out and start smashing it to bits.

See the irony? I am just a toaster. Put myself out and let me you move on please. No. That is when he gets really crazy. Who smashes up and gets hostile and demeaning and cold with toasters that no longer work for you?

Moral of the story? I accept I was a toaster to him. I will patiently wait outside for the garbage man to pick me up and remove me from his life, drive me off to a better place where I am me and not an appliance.

I will go without much fuss and realize that fighting back with this crazy person demeaning an appliance will never make him see I am more than a toaster. No matter what he says, no matter if he tells me that he could never live without a toaster like me, that I was the best toaster, realize that eventually I will be devalued once again and placed on the curb waiting for the garbage truck.

So instead I will go quietly on the garbage truck, laughing to myself about this idiot assclown saying cruel things to a toaster, trying to make the toaster believe how insignificant it was in the kitchen.

I will have the last laugh.

"breakdown go ahead and give it to me"....Tom Petty

What’s got me baffled is how I’m reacting to what I’ve learned. I’ve always been a problem solver. I bloomed where I was planted, made lemonade out of lemons…I really believe in that. I am an optimist, I love to laugh, have good friends and I’ve been happy. I’ve loved my alone time and the camaraderie of friends. Even when things have been bleak and there have been some very bleak times, I’ve worked my way through it.

But now, I’m rolled into a tight little ball. I am not taking care of the business of everyday life. I feel like I am barely functioning. The knowledge of this disorder is more painful than the events, or more accurately, it’s like being dealt another blow. All the things that I believed I’d put behind me are rearing their heads….like my own personal horror show. For the first time in my adult life, I don’t know where to start. Everything has been turned upside down. I am terrified and I feel like I’m drowning.

I've so often felt my adrenaline is exhausted nowadays. I'm not ashamed anymore to admit I don't have the energy nor the motivation to do the list I used to do. I'm no superwoman, but when I look back, my former husband had himself a good slave. I moved so quickly, it was like a game to see how fast I could complete tasks. All of this took place while Mr. Fantastic was doing nothing except criticizing, blaming, devaluing. It's amazing how we twist ourselves into different shapes to please them only to realize far too late that we can't please them.

"Breakdowns" often occur for a reason - things weren't working as well as we believed. So we have to look again, see what still works, and replace those things that are no longer useful. We do it externally, and we do it internally, too.

I think it's what we have to go through when we have to evaluate our entire life through the perspective of a greater truth, when reality pushes everything else aside and imposes its own perspective, is a kind of psychological death. A whole world view has died, and a new one is forming. We have to come to grips with the fact that whole realities are different than we believed.

I am sure I will get there, but it will take time. Sometimes you just have to take time off from the perfectionism, to realize it was never serving me..... in any sort of valuable way.

I think in the end, it will all be okay.

"Welcome to the place you never wanted to be."

John Chapter 8, Verse 32 – “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

There seems to me no greater truth written or spoken than the words, “The truth will set you free”.

Only people who have been subject to the kind of torture by evil people, the way I have (call them sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths, whatever – a lethal thorn by any other name smells as putrid) can truly understand the effects of such torment.

Anybody else – friends, family, counsellors, doctors, psychologists, even ‘experts’ on personality disorders, try as they might cannot ever REALLY 100% comprehend the depth and complexity of it all.

Kind, well-meaning people, who assume that you are ‘obsessed’ with your abuse because you never seem to talk about anything else, think they are helping when they say things like, “Let it go”, “Move on”.

What they don’t realise is that they are inadvertently doing one of the things your abusers did. They are not allowing you to find your voice. They want you to shut up, just like he did.

This apparent obsession is not a yearning for him– for someone who treated you with dreadful cruelty. Your yearning is to be heard. The catch-22 is that to be heard means to be fully understood by listeners and that validation cannot be provided by anyone who cannot 100% appreciate what you need to say. Or for how long you need to keep saying it.

Sometimes, the ‘support’ that is so desperately needed, turns on you. This so often happens to the victims of all types of bullying, when the very people who are supposed to help, (whether through ignorance, misunderstanding, disinterest etc) end up re-victimising the victim.

Then when the victim, with nowhere else to go, kills her/himself in despair, the re-victimisers say, “We tried to help but she/he didn't co-operate”. Typically, the victim is blamed - not the bully, not the ‘helpers’ – it’s always the victim’s fault.

There is much advice out there on how to ‘let go’ of what the evil one did to you (and often continues to do). E.g, “You will never get closure from a narcissist/sociopath etc, so forget it” and “You can’t make sense of the senseless”.

I’ve found myself repeating these mantras, perhaps thinking that if I say them often enough, they will work.

Maybe with some people, or the passage of time, or both, it seems to work. However, the fact that many of the people who say “It worked for me, so it will work for you too”, write books and websites and blogs on the subject – tells me that whilst some of them are genuinely doing it to help others through the horrific aftermath of life with a psycho - there are probably just as many who have to keep plugging away because they have never let it go either and however much they protest otherwise, they too are still trying to make sense of the senseless.

Having said all that, I’m not writing this as a criticism of those people (their hearts are in the right place), or as a criticism of the lovely, well-meaning friends who unfortunately invalidate you just as the abuser did because they don’t want to hear about it anymore, and tell you to let it go, move on.

I’m also not writing this to make other victims of psychos give up on life in despair, because they feel that their bewildered pain will never go away.

Quite the opposite in fact.

I once told my ex-husband, when we were still together, that there was no point in lying to me and that I didn’t need to ‘spy’ on him either. I said, “I don’t need to go looking for the truth, it always comes to me”.

It always seemed to then, but my mistake was in thinking that the truth would always come to me - that I didn’t need to go looking for it. Well-meaning advice to “drop it”, “move on” reinforced the idea that I should not seek the truth. Or even wait for it to seek me. Just “leave it, it doesn’t matter, move on”.

But it does matter. It matters because in seeking and finding the truth and then accepting the undeniable truth you find, only then can you ‘let it go’. The truth can be unbearably painful. But the fact that it IS the truth is the only thing that can liberate you. It is the only thing that can put an end to that yearning to find a voice, to be validated.

The truth really does set you free.

Every single day that passes without the lies; the treachery; that endless, underlying anxiety; the feeling of having to tiptoe through a field of landmines; the hostile tension; that blood-curdling, empty-eyed stare; the complaining; the blaming; the crazymaking; the gaslighting; the cruelty; the feeling that there is a leak in your soul where the life is slowly being drained from you; the ache to be genuinely loved; the yearning for peace; – every day is a blessing from God.

John Chapter 8, Verse 32 – “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”.

Dear You...

Dear momma's boy I know you've had your butt licked by your mother I know you've enjoyed all that attention from her and every woman graced with your presence after
Dear narcissus boy I know you've never really apologized for anything, I know you've never really taken responsibility, I know you've never really listened to a woman
Dear "Show" boy I know you're not really into conflict resolution nor will have any talk of connectedness and any talk of resolving this leaves you running for the door
Dear egotist boy you've never really had to suffer any consequence you'd never understand anyone showing resistance
Dear popular boy I know you're used to getting everything so easily a stranger to the concept of reciprocity people honor boys like you in this society and any talk of selflessness and any talk of working at this and any talk of being of service leaves you running for the door

You go back to the women who will dance the dance you go back to your friends who will lick your ass you go back to ignoring all the rest of us you go back to the center of your universe

Dear self centered boy I don't know why I still feel affected by you I've never lasted very long with someone like you I never did although I have to admit I wanted to
Dear magnetic boy you've never been with anyone who doesn't take your shit you've never been with anyone who's dared to call you on it, I wonder how you'd be if someone were to call you on it and any talk of willingness and any talk of both feet in and any talk of commitment leaves you running for the door

You go back to the women who will dance the dance you go back to your friends who will lick your ass you go back to being so oblivious you go back to the center of the universe

Soul Sisters

I know a lot of girls. A lot of girls.
Pretty girls. Sexy girls. Lovely girls.
Shapely girls. Courageous girls. Intelligent girls.
And they find these men. These angry men.
Sad men. Mean men. Cruel men. Emotionally lost men.

And they fall. Or at least they think so.
They think they fall. They think it's love.
It's the fools gold of love. It's lust.
Or the need-to-be-loved-so-badly-they-accept-a-fake.

And we all have made bad decisions.
And I say, "Hey soul sister. Love yourself. Be kind.
Don't expect him to make you happy. Don't want him to be super human.
Sugar. Bear. He can't solve all your Daddy-didn't love me enough-issues.
It's not his job to fix you."
And they give me a blank stare.
And they're young. And they don't realize that happiness is an inside job.
And that what he can give is only a smidgen, a bit, a portion of what makes you...you.

Be whole, sister. Be you, friend. Be happy, love.
Then this man, this kind,
this joyful, this open to loving you man will exist.
And oh my, do they exist.
Like unicorns in a forest. Not a myth. Not at all.
They're real. But you gotta get real first.
Be open. Be kind. Be patient. Be real. No games.

Godspeed loves.

I didn't sign up for Assclown Camp!

Urban Dictionary defines an Assclown as such:
One, who, through the fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.
You, my good sir, are an assclown.

So I apparently signed up for and attended Assclown Camp. Not sure when I did that, not sure how I did that, why I did that, when I did that....you get the idea. But I can tell you what I've learned from attending this camp and some things that I'm still not sure why I suffer from the affects of attending Assclown Camp.

So I read to self diagnose; I google all kinds of crazy shit to figure out what the hell ??

So I come across a lot of articles that elude to PTSD; Eh, I think I don't have PTSD isn't that reserved for the military personnel returning home and can't quite deal with life?? Nah, I've been writing that idea off, until recently.

What gets my blender of a mind in motion is what in the sam hell am I always feeling worried about?? Think Anxiety. Next blender blade whirls in what in the sam hell am I always scared about? Think Fear. Next whirl of the blender please...ah my old friend entrapment, hello my friend. Think Disempowerment.

I read where these are all symptoms of PTSD; it seems that PTSD can potentially arise from any prolonged period of negative stress in which certain factors are present and guess which factors they are...oh yes my dear friends anxiety, fear, disempowerment, entrapment, confusion, betrayal, loss of control....good gawd I could go on forever.

I think about this in transition with relationships in my life and how I have so many (thankfully!) but I never seem to get close to any of them. I think it has to do with a lot of different trash that will keep floating to the surface. Not as often as it did at first, still too much now. I know time, no contact and taking my life back will help.

In the meantime I think that I'm in survival mode. The ability to do whatever it takes to survive is instinctive. We all have it, and in traumatic enough situations, it will come out or we die. Similarly shutting down feelings in order to do whatever it takes to survive, or do your job and help others survive, is a reality based survival skill. Numbness is the answer. It is effective. It will help you live.Unfortunately when survivors numb their fear, despair and anger, all their feelings, even good ones, are numbed. Numbness is comfortable.

God blessed Assclown Camp. I wouldn't send my worst enemy there.

The Scorpion and the Frog

Good anaology on self destruction....kind of reminds me of my last marriage, oy vey!

One day, a scorpion looked around at the mountain where he lived and decided that he wanted a change. So he set out on a journey through the forests and hills. He climbed over rocks and under vines and kept going until he reached a river.
The river was wide and swift, and the scorpion stopped to reconsider the situation. He couldn't see any way across. So he ran upriver and then checked downriver, all the while thinking that he might have to turn back.
Suddenly, he saw a frog sitting in the rushes by the bank of the stream on the other side of the river. He decided to ask the frog for help getting across the stream.
"Hellooo Mr. Frog!" called the scorpion across the water, "Would you be so kind as to give me a ride on your back across the river?"
"Well now, Mr. Scorpion! How do I know that if I try to help you, you wont try to kill me?" asked the frog hesitantly.
"Because," the scorpion replied, "If I try to kill you, then I would die too, for you see I cannot swim!"
Now this seemed to make sense to the frog. But he asked. "What about when I get close to the bank? You could still try to kill me and get back to the shore!"
"This is true," agreed the scorpion, "But then I wouldn't be able to get to the other side of the river!"
"Alright then...how do I know you wont just wait till we get to the other side and THEN kill me?" said the frog.
"Ahh...," crooned the scorpion, "Because you see, once you've taken me to the other side of this river, I will be so grateful for your help, that it would hardly be fair to reward you with death, now would it?!"
So the frog agreed to take the scorpion across the river. He swam over to the bank and settled himself near the mud to pick up his passenger. The scorpion crawled onto the frog's back, his sharp claws prickling into the frog's soft hide, and the frog slid into the river. The muddy water swirled around them, but the frog stayed near the surface so the scorpion would not drown. He kicked strongly through the first half of the stream, his flippers paddling wildly against the current.
Halfway across the river, the frog suddenly felt a sharp sting in his back and, out of the corner of his eye, saw the scorpion remove his stinger from the frog's back. A deadening numbness began to creep into his limbs.
"You fool!" croaked the frog, "Now we shall both die! Why on earth did you do that?"
The scorpion shrugged, and did a little jig on the drownings frog's back.
"I could not help myself. It is my nature."
Then they both sank into the muddy waters of the swiftly flowing river.

A wolf in sheep's clothing

A narcissist is a wolf in sheep's clothing. A few lessons on a narcissist.

His motivation is not love nor is it happiness. It is power and control! It is admiration and attention! It is praise and adulation.

The truth is he is emotionally shallow and doesn't operate from true emotional connection. He doesn't feel the pain of his actions because he simply doesn't run that deep. He doesn't have the ability to feel true love, happiness or emotion, positive or negative. He may never really feel the pain of his actions towards others but he also will never feel love or true caring. He is a shallow drying puddle of water feeding from our oceans of emotional depth. And it can feel as if we are being siphoned empty.

We must look past the sheep and see the wolf that is blowing our house down.

He can appear to be the nicest person in the world and do things for you that would seem to say "I really care about you" but then you begin to feel that your energy is being drained, you are feeling confused, you are doubting yourself and feeling very frustrated. More time is spent in this confusion trying to sort things out in your mind until you realize just how much energy you are giving this person. On the outside the narcissist can look like an angel but truly there is a demon within. He is the kind of demon that steals your light and leaves you in the dark wondering what just happened.

A few "special" ones (aka 1st wife) will stay hooked in forever allowing themselves to be a constant source of light for the narcissist to feed off of. The phrase "I would die for you" is literal. Because one who stays hooked into a narcissist does begin to die. The desire for the illusion of love to be real is so strong that one will stay forever hooked into that illusion until she completely loses herself.

There should be a group known as the "the few, the proud, the narcissist free"....

I was a casualty of his narcissism. I had to really accept and understand this in order to cut the ties and move on.

And, my life depended on it.

Sometimes....

Sometimes I drink champagne and watch old movies.

Sometimes I get my heart broken. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I slam a door, down a drink, break a heel, hate myself, hate my life.

Sometimes I am brought to my knees by the glory of it all.

Sometimes I can write. Sometimes I can't.

Sometimes I watch MTV and pretend I'm 18 again. And then I laugh and thank God I'm not.

Sometimes I cry on the bathroom floor with the weight of the world bearing down. Sometimes I laugh until I cry.

Sometimes I tell people exactly what I think. Sometimes I can't find the words to tell them how they inspire, align, affect, engage, or disappoint me.

Sometimes I wish I had blue eyes.

Sometimes I worry where I'll go when I die.

Sometimes I feel lit from within by something so incredible, so awe inspiring that I want to put the light in a box and hide it under my bed. Sometimes I share the light.

Sometimes the wind blows and shakes the trees and they bend. Sometimes they break.

Sometimes I break. Sometimes I heal.

Sometimes it isn't enough. And sometimes it's all too much.

Sometimes....

Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda.

I've been ignoring my blog; that is ignoring it by not having posted much. But my mind has become that same blender I liken my life to and so in an effort to clear the clutter, here goes a few randoms.

I could write about the cold: but it's winter people, and it's supposed to be cold. (A local news channel used the word "cold" 16 times in a 30 minute broadcast. Nooo, they don't drive public hysteria. That's crazy talk!)

I could write about health care reform. But I don't have that kind of energy.

I could write about "friends" that I have cut out of my life because they were never really friends to begin with. But why? They don't care, and they don't see anything wrong with the way they are.

I could write about my happiness, my at peace at all times feeling: but I don't have the right words just yet.

The Price of Pretend

It is hard to leave but much harder to stay.

The price of pretend.

You pretend that your needs, feelings and desires were not important.
You hid your disappointments and hurt feelings and feigned happiness for his benefit.
You pretend to be the person that he first idealized by trying harder the more he devalued you.
You anticipate and met all of his needs and acted as if it did not matter that he did not appreciate this.
You pretend that he was interesting and funny when he wasn’t.
You invent excuses for his strange behavior, that you came to believe were true.
You put on a show for family and friends to cover up your sorrow and suffering.
You pretend it didn’t matter that you lost contact with friends and family.
You believe you interests, passions and hobbies were only secondary.
You told yourself that you were an individual even as you were slowly fading away.
You pretend that he loved you even though deep down you know that he didn’t.
You held on to the belief that he would change even though you knew he never would.

The price of pretending is the loss of you and what is real.

This calls for a cocktail

So has this ever happened to you: There you are just living your life. Waking up. Drinking that coffee (or bourbon), heading off to work, paying the bills, when suddenly you realize...Oh shit.

This isn't what I want. I like to call this my quarter life crisis. What I'm currently slugging through. What this exhaustion is signaling. What my dreams are telling me. What that little voice in the back of my head is SCREAMING. This isn't what I want.

So I'm a little pissed off. At no one in particular. (except...uh...me).

And I've started taking steps in what is MY right direction. I'm saying to hell with what others think. To hell with their expectations, disappointments, and dreams for me. I can't live for anyone else. And that's what I did for a long time. My fault. I accept 100% responsibility. And that's why it's up to me to take the reins on this proverbial horse and change direction.

Are you confused yet? Good! Me too! I live my life in a blender where everything just swirls around me, and I'm always narrowly missing the blade. Needless to say I'm on a mission. A few missions. And I work best under pressure. Being the underdog suits me. Any given Sunday and whatnot.

So here's to a cold Monday. Here's to being able to laugh every day no matter what.

Here's to and Cheers to...new beginnings!!

My Favorite Quote

"I mean if my muscles ache, it's because I've used 'em. If it's hard for me to walk up them steps now, its 'cause I walked up 'em every night to lay next to a man who loved me. I got a few wrinkles here and there, but I've layed under thousands of skies with sunny days. I look and feel this way, well 'cause I drank and I smoked. I lived and I loved, danced, sang, sweat and screwed my way through a pretty damn good life if you ask me."-The Guardian

Random thoughts on some "Nevers"...

-Never send an email when you are angry - Write it - just don't send it
-Never say "I hate you" to someone you truly love, even if you're angry
-Never say never
-Never chop up fruits and vegetables in the kitchen while you are naked
-Never say you can't do something without trying first
-Never trust a man that wears a pinky ring
-Never call someone a bitch when you're not absolutely positive you've hung up the phone yet
-Never give up hope for the future
-Never date a guy who shows up to your house in an El Camino. If he can't make a commitment between a car or a truck what hope do you really have?
-Never change your core self after getting married - it will cause issues in the relationship
-Never start smoking, then you'll never have to try to quit
-Never use your credit card for a bar tab... for 4 years
-Never forget that your parents are human beings, not super-human
-Never forget that whatever customer service problem you have is probably not the fault of the person you are dealing with. Being really really nice often gets you further than losing it with said customer service rep
-Never marry a man unless you want your son to be just like him (A-freakin-men)
-Never play the one up game with anyone, their worst and your worse are still THE worst thing to have happened. your best and their best are still only yours to own. (ugh, I can't stand one uppers. I know a few. If you got up at 6, they got up at 7. If you are sick, they are sicker and so on. It's just not a contest people and no one is impressed)
-Never regret. Everything you did. Every mistake you made. It all went into making you who you are today. Good or bad. We all choose. Own it. Use it. Do better next time.
-Never stop laughing with/kissing/learning from and about your partner/spouse/significant other. They should always come first.
-Never blame anyone else for how you act/react. The one thing we are all in control of is ourselves & our attitudes. No matter what anyone does or says we control what we do and say.

Garbage Day

Have you ever had a day, a moment where all of your emotions meet at an intersection? They look around. Sadness tips his hat to Joy. Fear wonders why Gratitude is looking at him with that big smile on her face. Anger crosses her arms, and glares at Regret. And way over there, in the East, is Love; taking it all in.

That's my today. All of my emotions bubbled to the surface and met. They are battling one another for supreme victory. And here I am, their vessel. And I'm letting them talk it out. Oh Stubbornness is taking his good old time. And Hope makes a good case. But I'm being Patient, and Quiet. I know they'll work this out.

I call this Garbage Day. When all the emotional refuse comes to the surface, and we skim the yucky stuff out. And we bag up what we're done with and put it on the curb. We clean up, and clear out. So it's Garbage Day, and I'm cleaning house.

Easier said than done, on resolutions

I'm not a person that typically makes a resolution; I used to and found that eh, I never keep them. Maybe I also found out that when I want to do something, no matter the time of year, I will do it. Simple enough.

With that said, it got me thinking about resolutions and why people feel the need to make them? Why are they so grandiose? What are some simple resolutions that don't require anything but the sheer desire to accomplish something - simple?

Why not start with thinking about the life you really want to create for yourself? Lightbulb! Most people, including myself, don't take the time to ask ourselves this important question. Humans tend to focus on what we currently have on our plate rather than what we would like to have on our plate. It's easier I suppose. Easier to focus on what you have lost, what pain you've endured, even trauma. But by focusing on what has come to pass, you end up spending your energy in the past.

Easier said than done to really focus on what kind of life do you really want to create?

So I think about this and I ponder it and I think on it some more. The thinker.

What I envision is powerful; For me it would be feeling alive, vibrant, peaceful, inspired, motivated and excited about my life; I envision living life to the fullest, being creative, energetic and following through with all my inspired ideas. That might mean travelling to places I keep saying I want to go there! to; a greater state of health and wellness, inside and out; being with a mate who is truly open hearted and loving and whom I am able to have a fully functional, honest and fulfilling relationship with. So many more!!

I hope all the resolutions that many of my fellow friends have made truly happen for them. I know this will give them no greater joy. I hope for them that their future is positive as a result and they get to live a life they love. I say to them, do whatever it is you want to do - for yourself.

And I hope that for me, too.